The Default Parent

Can You Relate?

You are exhausted. You don’t have enough hours in the day to accomplish half of what you need - professionally or personally. Despite having a partner, you have become the go-to parent in family life. You are the parent who is called when your daughter gets sick at school. You are the parent who plans play dates and birthday parties. You are the parent who makes sure your growing kids have clothes to wear. You are the parent who manages household inventory. You are the parent who gets asked by everyone, including your partner, “What’s for dinner?” You are the parent who plans Christmas, manages summer plans, and wrangles your extended family for the occasional dinner. You take on gift-giving and card writing. You sign your children up for tee ball and ballet. The list could go on and on!

In short, you are the parent that keeps family life running.

Sound familiar? If this sounds like you, you are considered the Default Parent in your relationship.

Default Parent Defined

Take heart! Being the Default Parent in and of itself is not a bad thing. The term is defined as the parent who takes on the lion’s share of the day-to-day family tasks. This role, due to a variety of social factors, has predominantly fallen to women and often becomes more entrenched as the couple brings additional children into their relationship.

Several notable authors, such as Gemma Hartley (Fed Up) and Eve Rodansky (Fair Play), have extensively studied gender roles within the home. They suggest that we’ve advanced far regarding women being accepted and championed outside the home before motherhood but have failed to advance parenting equality within the home to the same degree due to the strong social stigma that default parenting responsibilities are a woman’s job. They posit that these beliefs are so ingrained that we often don’t even recognize our own biases about who should be getting up with the baby and rearranging their work schedule to accommodate the afternoon dentist appointments.

Now, of course, many outliers fall outside of the traditional heterosexual model of family life, and they should be acknowledged and celebrated!  The terms “default parent” and “backup parent” will always be limited in their scope of the many varied family circumstances. However, experts have coined these terms to help define relationship dynamics observed between partners generally. These conversations call out what is observed in most homes: sharing the Mental Load of family life between partners has been almost impossible to achieve. This results in one parent shouldering most of the invisible parenting burden in most homes, whether voluntarily or involuntarily.

Default Areas of the Default Parent

What areas of family life does the Default Parent carry? We’ve broken it down into three defined areas.

First, Physical Tasks. The laundry, diaper changes, vacuuming, and dishes can feel endless!

Second, Emotional Labor. Emotional Labor refers to the constant monitoring and awareness of family emotions and relationships. This work looks like writing thank you notes, sending texts inquiring about the neighbor’s well-being, and helping console your daughter, who just had her first breakup. It is essential in family life, and an individual's skill set in this area directly impacts their long-term well-being and connection.

Finally, the third area of family life that Default Parents manage is the Mental Load. The Mental Load refers to the invisible cognitive labor that keeps the family afloat. This looks like meal planning and grocery shopping. It is registering your child for elementary school after spending hours researching different schools and options. The Mental Load is keeping track of logins and passwords. It is paying bills and hiring outside help. It is getting babysitters and dog groomers. It is knowing carpool schedules, addresses, drop-off times, etc.

If you nod your head with a resounding yes to all these categories and feel overwhelmed by the workload of each, you are not alone! The reason Default Parenting is even discussed is because it is a heavy task that, if shouldered alone indefinitely, often leads to burnout and resentment towards one’s partner. Tallying up this work equates to more than a full-time job that often women/mothers take on in addition to work and other responsibilities outside the home.

What’s the Solution?

To combat this, we suggest awareness, communication, and Pixie! Labeling the role you have taken on in family life, intentionally or unintentionally, can help you put words to how you are feeling and have an open and honest conversation with your partner. You can even reference this article! Ask them to read it and discuss your desire for a better family life balance.

If you’re nervous about asking for more help regarding family management, we will leave you with this. In her book Fed Up, Gemma Hartley asks society to look at what the Backup Parent, typically men, lose out on by not being the Default Parent. She argues that, in particular, the work of emotional labor with our children and within our communities would only benefit the life of the Backup Parent as they experience a deeper connection with those around them and the meaningfulness of participating in more aspects of parenting.

So yes, it should be discussed because many Default Parents are burned out and need the help, but equally important is that sharing the responsibilities of Default Parenting helps partners in the long run and can strengthen families. Interestingly, this hypothesis has been confirmed in multiple studies on men and women during the bereavement process of losing a spouse. These studies found that in the short term, women handled the devastation of losing their life partner much better than their male counterparts because they had the emotional skill and network to lean into to aid in their grieving process.

Once you’ve chatted with your partner and you two are committed to making changes in your family life, check out this article about how Pixie makes sharing the Mental Load both achievable and approachable.

We are excited for you to begin sharing the Load. Your family life and relationship with your spouse will be changed for the better!

Download Pixie today for free.