The Mental Load of Motherhood

My Family Secretarial Work 

There were few things I disliked more than sitting down at my kitchen table after a hectic and very early morning with my young children to tackle the mountain of receipts, papers, schedules, and to-dos waiting for me when I finally had a moment of quiet. A few papers had been on the table for an entire week before I finally got around to paying that medical bill, remembering my son’s music class login and password, and contacting the warranty company about our water heater. Completing these tasks sent me on a wild goose chase resetting logins, waiting on hold, sending emails to resolve issues, and chewed up far too much of my time. It was a headache, just as I subconsciously predicted. 

On this particular morning, we were one week into a new school year, and I was feeling it. With two of my three children now in preschool and additional activities, the management I was required to do as the default/stay-at-home parent for their different activities and education was overwhelming. Serve those new responsibilities up with a side of family health and home management, and I felt frazzled. I was frazzled. Being a type-A, organized person, I  hated the chaos accompanying family information. I didn’t have a system for managing it and dreaded those kitchen table secretarial sessions because of it.

The Mental Load

I have since learned that what I was feeling was the strain of the Mental Load! The Mental Load refers to all the invisible cognitive labor needed to keep family life running smoothly. This invisible labor entails making sure the toilet paper is stocked, that there are lightbulbs at the ready, that Lucy has her science fair project prepared on the day it's due, remembering Jason needs new snow boots, and orchestrating that family reunion with your in-laws. It is the constant observation, planning, and execution of miscellaneous family tasks. Unlike other jobs or workplaces, the Mental Load cannot be put on pause. It does not offer PTO or lunch breaks. It is ever-present and continuously suggests one to twenty-five more things that must be done.

Why It’s Problematic

Carrying the Mental Load for an entire family with little help from a partner or spouse is incredibly taxing. Solely shouldering the Mental Load leaves little to no time for self-care and personal projects, making it difficult for the individual to have the bandwidth for professional pursuits or the time and energy required to prioritize those ambitions. As the bearer of all family context, the Mental Load demands they be the first responder to any family need. Perhaps most challenging is the resentment it can lead to in relationships that unintentionally end up with such a drastic, uneven distribution of this invisible labor.

The Mental Load Historically and Today

The Mental Load is not a new phenomenon! The need for managing family affairs has always existed and historically, and in the present day, primarily falls to women. In the ‘80s, Dr. Arlie Hochschild coined the term “Mental Load” to describe all the extra cognitive and emotional labor women take on. Since then, it has been carried on and expounded in hundreds of articles, blogs, and books as women worldwide resonate with the fatigue it induces. 

The buzz surrounding the Mental Load increased significantly during the COVID-19 pandemic because it brought everyone inside the home. It’s harder to overlook everything that goes on inside the walls of the home when you’re there 24/7 and trying to work from its epicenter. In the middle of the stress and chaos of working from home, at-home learning, canceled activities, rescheduled activities, quarantining, and COVID testing, both fathers and mothers took note of the discrepancy, and many began to seek change and search out better ways to share the Load.

Pixie - A tool for you! 

My husband and I did the same! With a better understanding of the Mental Load, my husband and I created Pixie- The first-ever tool built for families to help ourselves and other couples manage and share the Mental Load! It encourages partners to categorize, save, and share their Mental Load in customizable boards for all areas of family life. Think Health, Family, Home, Vacation, Recommendations, Work, Finances, etc. Everything in a shared space.

I no longer dread sitting at the kitchen table to tackle X, Y, and Z because I have a place where all my working information lives and can be easily retrieved. Not only has it helped me get a grip on our family life, but it has also enabled my partner to help! He can finally access the information and context he needs to take tasks and to-dos off my plate without coming to me for orders or detailed instructions. 

He uses Pixie to organize and save all the information he manages in our family life too, which gives us both a full view of our family life. Can I get a Hallelujah? After seven years of managing family life separately, we have loved having a single source of truth for all family information.

The Mental Load has met its match! Give it a go. You’ll be amazed at what a lift it is!

Download Pixie today for free.